Don’t…The End
Have you ever had someone make an off handed appraisal of you? Sometimes it is startling, mostly because who knew anyone was playing that close attention to you? A warm summer day sitting outside having margaritas at the city’s most popular Tex Mex joint, engaged in light conversation with my then boyfriends close friend, he comes over and interrupts with, “Be careful talking with her, she has a way of speaking and finding things out without you being aware”. Of course I giggled, but also amused with his astute assessment. Needling my way to secrets is a craft, the secret is to keep your target comfortable, amused and unsuspecting.
“Have you ever had a threeee-sooome”? “has a woman ever tossed your salad”? I am asking these question playfully, keeping the tone light and non accusatory. My latest study is blissed out and relaxed perfect for me to pick his brain. Do I care if he has done any of these things? I am not even sure why I want to know, probably some latent subconscious weird intra-sexual competition. Measuring and comparing myself to phantom ex-girlfriends? He proceeds to tell me about a threesome with a girlfriend and her friend, orchestrated and requested by his girlfriend which ended with her in tears (of course). The second question i asked separately and he did affirm that another woman had indeed tossed his salad (LOL). The one commonality that I noticed concerning both women was that neither one of them were around any longer and I was there in the spot they had apparently pulled out all of the stops to maintain…..
The supposition that you can fuck your way into a mans heart or supplant an addiction to porn or to anything for that matter is in fact wildly delusional. I have seen a few porns and one thing is apparent and it is that porn does not teach you how to have sex. Porn stars do not even fuck like porn stars. Most are on drugs to even tolerate filming, 1 scene is shot in multiple sessions and no woman’s body can or should sustain that kind of sex regularly. Porn sex is performative, it is not sustainable mentally or physically. The really weird idea that performing wild sex acts will guarantee you any future with a man is a wicked myth perpetuated by women’s magazines and porn sick men and women.
There is a really good essay by David Mura, "A Male Grief: Notes on Pornography and Addiction”. It is a really great study of male sexuality and pornography. You cannot fuck a man out of a porn addiction as porn addiction is centered around sexual highs. Porn is flesh used as a drug, and that high only lasts as long as they are taking in that image or having that experience. You have them in that moment but if you are performing like a porn star you are also the drug and when that high is over it is on to the next sexual high. “For in pornographic perception, each gesture, each word, each image, is read first and foremost through sexuality. Love or tenderness, pity or compassion, become subsumed by, and are made subservient to, a "greater" deity, a more powerful force. In short, the world is reduced to a single common denominator”. This is an excerpt from Mura’s essay and it highlights the fact that in indulging their addiction you are pushing them deeper into their addiction and farther away from being able to function in a relationship in a present and healthy manner. “The endless consumption of pornographic images derives from the mistaken assumption that one can feed a spiritual hunger through a desire for control, distance…”. You cannot fuck your way into intimacy as a man addicted to porn is safe in the emotional distance he is afforded by consuming porn. Mimicking what you see in porn as a means to endear him will only drive him father away from you. There is an episode in Sex and The City, where Miranda discovers her latest boyfriends spanking porn. In an effort to “get closer” to him and progress their relationship she offhandedly spanks him and hints that she knows what he is into, she never hears from him again. (LOL). Mura also makes the point that it makes no sense to attribute pornography to so-called "natural" urges. These men are not sex starved. Mura also says, "Is the vertigo of the addict, that rush or high, merely a false substitute for the letting go of the self that comes with the spiritual?... What is the soul?... It is the goodness inside us that resists evil." I would venture to say what porn addicted men need is more love and to overcome fear of intimacy not more and wilder sex. Do not feed the beast.
How to Fuck like a Pornstar…who cares and Don’t. Who wants to be the woman that had a threesome and or tossed a salad and was left. (LOL). You have to carry that around not him, he will be on to the next high or to a woman that has sexual boundaries that enforce intimacy deeper than just circus sex.
"[H]e will be on to the next high or to a woman that has sexual boundaries that enforce intimacy deeper than just circus sex." It's truly a shame that more women don't understand this.
If you want to understand more read the White Book for Sexahaulics Anonymous. Sex addiction is extremely insidious as it is so intertwined with shame and self worth. Very damaging to the soul. One of the cornerstone works on the topic is titled “Out of the Shadows”. Interesting title… So much of the addiction remains hidden because of the shame and social stigma tied to sexuality and sexual dysfunction. As a recovering addict, I can attest that porn star sex is definitely not a thing. I’ve been to the mountain top and ended up in a relationship with the object of my affection, a sex worker, and indeed it is not as advertised. Having Amazing sex/lovers is so much more about connecting with each other versus using each other.